They say that 3 minutes is all it takes for a nicotine craving to pass and thus far today that rule has held fast, the part they neglect to mention is that the cravings return at exponentially shorter intervals as the day gets longer. Today I'm escaping from smoking, again. I'm looking forward to it, though I have yet to attempt to play poker and not smoke. That will be the crunch, like having a beer with a ciggy in the pub on a Friday night is some people's nemesis, mine will be sitting at the virtual felt at 7pm this evening and trying to stay calm and focussed, even if the cards start laughing at me.
I've been thinking a lot about why I haven't just stopped before, and I guess one of the main things it that I don't have 'that special someone' in my life to remind me of the things I need to do to help myself. The only person doing that for me is me, and me doesn't really look at myself in an objective light. In fact that's one of the things bothering me a bit lately, I haven't had a 'special someone' in my life for like 4 years, nothing lasting for more than a few weeks anyway. I'm trying not to regret that, because at the time I know I was doing what felt right, but if I'm truthful the lack of a long term relationship would be most accurately described as 60% defensive/trust/commitment issues, 20% lack of confidence & bottle and 20% incompatability.
I think I might finally be getting over the 60% defensive trust thing, or at least I'm approaching the final fences of it, maybe that's just my age, maybe I've finally got bored of being on the defensive after all it's become very easy now... yup that's it. It's got so easy for me to be single, dull and unattractive that I've completely transformed myself to the end of that scale, and now 'me' is ready for a new challenge, to reverse, or turn right or left, to change gears again and see which 'me' is just around the corner. These little tasks I set myself and pretend are important to me, like getting better at poker, blogging, even something as simple as rearranging my room, are just part-time distractions to prevent me taking on the real task at hand, changing myself into a better version of me, an optimal me if you will. I've reached the point where the things in my life like poker, blogging and relationships can't improve any further without a fundamental improvement of the source, and ultimately that is down to me.
Hmmm, thats a post I didnt expect. I hope it doesn't bore you too much, trust me when I say it's good for me. I think if you stick around for a few weeks you'll get to enjoy the resulting fruits.